You know, when you feel an empty kiss and not want to have sex with someone you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and then realize you were actually suppressing your unhappiness for at least a year… You tend to die a little inside because you know you’re not good enough because you’ve run out of love for the person that was so strong so long ago. Then you cry for months because you know you’re going to break their heart, but instead of telling them the whole truth (just like a mommy, yes) you protect them with a version that is nicer because you still care and can’t bare them being upset. Then, hoping every morning for the rest of your life, you hope they find someone twice as better as you ever were for them because you’ll feel guilty until they do. So don’t you dare tell me how I feel, or what I should do, because you know what? I’m looking out for their future of being a husband/wife to someone that loves them as much as he/she loves them. They’ve got a lot to learn and I wish him/her well on the journey. And if he/she EVER needs help, it’ll always be here unconditionally. And this is the last I have to say on this matter. Except for one thing… You’re not going to tell them this because then they’ll never learn to let go… And they’ll be like me… In love with the one person that she could never get over from because the purity of happiness that was extended from that one person, that made her feel alive for the first time in her life, and didn’t feel like she was faking pleasure, she didn’t wait long enough for… And then they’re gone… forever…. because they never knew…
I’ll be waiting just for you
I love you…
I realize I haven’t posted in an exquisitely long time, but I’ve been up to things! For one, my severe health problems have gotten much worse. Second, I moved… twice! Again. (insert sigh here) Although, I have learned things as well! How about I share them.
In the past four moths or so, many things have come upon me. The first was the realization, I’m a senior! It’s actually more scary that the common thought of “Yes! I’m finally done with school!” It’s the kind of I’m a senior in high school realization that smacks you upside the hide and tells you to go get a job because you’re about to have to start paying for even more school and, low and behold…. Bills! Woot! (Not really) Anyways! The second part of the learning process throughout this is, there’s not much time left when grandma’s getting old. (And she doesn’t drink anymore so she’s the sweet kind of grandma now! Yay!!!) The third part of all of this is (Drum roll please!) My Gem and I finally hit a year on the 25th of February! It was the first date where we didn’t go out. Instead we stayed at my place cuddling and watching movies… and yes, I fell asleep! It was just so dang nice…
Sorry, I got sidetracked in La la Land! One of the final things I learned though was that no matter how much someone you care about puts you through, you can’t help but still love them. For the past year or so now, we’ve been getting robbed and it’s just driving my father mad beyond compare. There’s been a bit of screaming and fighting and quite a few tears on both ends, but despite all the anger, frustration, pain, and bonding moments of tears, he’s still my father and we still care about each other only a father and a daughter can. In that kind of bond. The senior year realization hit me harder when I realized that I’m not going to be able to take care of my father anymore despite the fighting, but no matter how dependent he can be, I know he’ll at least be forced to visit because he can’t stand being alone. And I do love him for that.
These are the small yet bigger things I’ve learned this past absence of time gone by.
(No tab here!) Oh YES! EVERYONE makes mistakes! There is not a format to this post because this post is about making mistakes! I believe that the species of humans share something between all of us! What might that be you say? MISTAKES! Humans also share a love/hate relationship with mistakes! Don’t you dare tell me that you don’t love mistakes either! Every cannot not love mistakes because how else will we learn?! Who was the first person to ever make a mistake? How did they learn? No one told them not to because they were the first to do it! I make mistakes all the time! Yes, even I, make grammar and spelling mistakes ALL the time! For those of you whom I know like to point out my writing mistakes because they know how much they bug my OCD self, THANK YOU! I also have a love/hate relationship with being corrected! How else will people learn what’s right and wrong when no one is there to tell them so (and that’s if they even ask if it is or not!) without “mistakes” being here to help us broaden our minds and learn?! Here are a couple examples of my most recent mistakes (I’ll even format it for you! :) ):
I make mistakes all the time when it comes to my father (especially when he’s being a hypocrite) just about every day! Sometimes I forget to lock the door in the mornings! Ok! There you go!
HOLD UP! There’s one more thing we need to discuss before we go one with examples! Mistakes are very specific creatures!!! If you can’t admit that you did them you will NEVER learn from them! Admit your mistakes, and out loud too!!!
I say the wrong things to Jayde all the time and she’s more important to me than writing, music, and all things I love combined! She’s my best friend, and my one and only, and still, I completely screw up! (A lot) Sometimes I take a few things a little too seriously or personally even though my mind is screaming at me not to, but they still hurt for some reason. Sometimes I do the same to her though. In fact, I make so many mistakes that we fight at least once a week! (Usually they’re just miscommunication [ <—- I made a mistake purposely!] though!) I love her because no matter how much crap we put on each other, we’ve never split up! Even with my mental breakdowns and her OCD overdoses and panic attacks because she has anxiety. (Mainly because she’s so cute and adorable and wonderful to the point that I just can’t stay mad at her even if I want to and should be!) In fact, I made a major mistake last night! (I can’t tell you all because it’s really personal, but she knows what I mean…)
I get mad at my mother quite a bit because she yells at me for not calling her, but she doesn’t call me… Sometimes around 9-11pm I stay up on school nights just waiting for her to call… It’s quite depressing yes, and I hope she still reads my Tumblr posts because I honestly don’t have the “balls” to tell her this myself because I know she’ll hang up on me and get hurt and I don’t particularly enjoy it when she’s hurting. Don’t get me wrong! I love my mother dearly, but because of miscommunications [ <—- I did it again! Man, this should be a word! Where’s Merriam Webster when you need to tell him of a word that needs to become one?!] My point is is that I make the mistake of not telling her what’s really important and not calling her because I’m waiting for her to call? (It’s not fun if you can relate) I should really talk to my mother more, but for those of you whom understand, what do you say to a mom who is sensitive, softhearted, and already has enough problems than dealing with you calling her a hypocrite?! I sure don’t know! Maybe she can tell me after she reads this! (I hope…)
I make mistakes by myself more than with anyone else! Many things I have always had problems with is being honest with myself and self confidence, but I also don’t want to sound arrogant or over confident! Sometimes I lie to myself about being happy because I’m afraid of my own problems. Some days I even pity myself and that’s just not that healthy! Oh dear! We’re getting a little personal! There’s another one! Let’s move on…
I think you understand my point! Or, at least I’d hope you would by now! I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all make mistakes and should probably learn from them and not ignore them! Love everyone and be careful whom you trust! You don’t have to trust everyone to love them of course, but love people for whom they are and what they could become! Humans may seem hopeless, but really, it’s just mistakes that humanity has to learn from!
P.S.! You all should watch the musical RENT, and if you have, kudos to you! Welcome to the world of learning from mistakes! (Besides the fact that I’ve had the songs “Seasons of Love” and “Take Me or Leave Me” stuck in my head for the past two weeks!